Christmas and Other Things I Hate Page 10

I couldn’t help but laugh at Maureen’s reaction which made her and mum look directly at me. I instantly regretted bringing attention to myself and slunk off in the direction of the kitchen to find something to sober me up.

  When I got there I met Lucas’ father, Thomas who was busy chatting with other party guests and forcing them to take a welcome cocktail.

  “Jane!” he called, “Don’t you look lovely, here take a cocktail, I made them myself.”

  I took the glass off him and took a sip. It burned my throat as it went down but there was a pleasant lime aftertaste.

  “It’s called ‘The ghost of Christmas past’,” he added.

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because after one of those you won’t remember what you did,” he laughed.

  “I don’t think you’re meant to get your guests blackout drunk, dad,” said Lucas as he appeared beside me and took the glass out of my hand.

  “Ack, son, you know I’m only making a joke. Always so serious, this one.”

  Thomas rolled his eyes at his son and went back to handing out his cocktails to the other guests.

  “It was a nice drink,” I said, “You could have let me finish it.”

  “So you can pass out in front of both our parents? You will never hear the end of it.”

  I knew he was right but I also knew I didn’t fancy facing any aspect of my life with a clear head.

  I agreed to some coffee and perched myself on a stool beside the buffet table. I half-heartedly picked at a few sandwiches in the vain hope that they would soak up some of the alcohol.

  Helen had been cornered by Thomas and politely took a cocktail from the tray. Once he was gone, she looked around the room and spotted me in the corner. I waved to her but she just looked in the other direction.

  “She’s definitely mad at me,” I said to my plate, “I think it’s time to go big or go home.”

  I got down off my stool and cleared my throat to get the attention of everyone in the room but it didn’t work, it was just too loud.

  I got back onto my stool and climbed onto the seat part so I was towering over everyone and shouted: “Excuse me.”

  At once, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me.

  “I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone here a happy Christmas,” I began, “and here’s to another lovely party from lovely Maureen and lovely Thomas and lovely Lucas.

  “Now, I’m allowed to say ‘lovely’ Lucas with complete honesty because he is a lovely fella and a great husband-to-be for my equally lovely little sister.”

  “Jerry,” said mum, “Get your daughter off that stool and make her sit down.”

  “No, mum, it’s ok, I’ve only got a little bit more to say. Where was I? Oh, right, yes they’re lovely and they’re all going to have a lovely future together and despite what my parents think I’m not even a little bit jealous or still in love with Lucas because I am actually in love with someone else.”

  “Jane, stop this,” said Helen, “You are drunk and talking shite.”

  “No, no, no,” I continued, “I’m totally sober and serious and I would like to announce to my family, and the world, that as of today it turns out that I’m actually a lesbian and Helen’s my girlfriend and we are in love.”

  My mum gasped while my dad put his head in his hands.

  “Now, don’t be like that mum and dad, love is love and you should be happy that I’m no longer terminally single.”

  I swayed as I finished my speech and started to feel more tired than I’d ever felt in my life. The heat of the room was getting to me and my head began to swim as if I was about to faint.

  “Thank you all for your attention and good-night.”

  I closed my eyes and intended to let myself fall gracefully to the floor but as I dropped, I felt someone’s arms around me and I was carried away and placed somewhere soft.

  When I opened my eyes I saw Lucas standing above me with a sympathetic smile.

  “You really are lovely,” I said and I closed my eyes once more.

  I could hear a commotion around me and hushed voices saying my name. I tried to open my eyes to join in the conversation but I was too tired to move.

  “Is she telling the truth?” asked Siobhan, “Is Helen her girlfriend?”

  “I don’t know, she said it was complicated,” replied Lucas.

  “You mean you knew about this and didn’t tell me?”

  “It wasn’t my news to tell.”

  “We are meant to tell each other everything; we are like one person, basically.”

  I heard the door open and more people come in.

  “Jerry,” said mum, “Get that daughter of yours something strong to sober her up and send her home. Christmas is cancelled, I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life.”

  “I don’t think she’s for waking up, maybe we should let her sleep it off for a bit.”

  “She has already made a holy show of herself, she’s not going to be sleeping here like some sort of booze hound, we’ll be the talk of the country,” said mum.

  “I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration Miriam.”

  “Just get her sober enough to walk home and I’ll go tell Maureen she’s had some wobbly reaction to antibiotics.”

  “Yeah, I’ve heard those whiskey-smelling ones are really good for an ear infection,” added Siobhan.

  The door closed and I was pulled up to a seated position while Siobhan held a glass of water up to my mouth to help me drink it.

  “You are a mess, sis,” she said, with a sigh, “Lucas, go find Helen, I think she escaped out the front door to get away from all this.”

  With the mention of Helen’s name I instantly became more alert and tried to stand up but was easily pulled back onto the sofa by Siobhan.

  “If I let you go out there mum will kill us both,” she explained, “You have to get this water into you and get you home to sleep this off. What were you thinking drinking dad’s measurements of whiskey? I’m actually impressed that you managed to climb that stool in your state.”

  “Can you please get me some coffee, it’ll work much better,” I asked, “Please?”

  “Fine, but you have to stay put.”

  She handed me the glass and left me sitting in the room by myself, it was only then I bothered to look around and see where I was. Lucas had lifted me into the sunroom beside the kitchen and I realised that I had the perfect opportunity to make my escape.

  I opened the patio doors and set off to find Helen so I could talk to her properly. It was pitch black out and even the Christmas lights, that were placed around the outside of the house, did little to illuminate my path.

  I managed to follow them to get round to the front door but stopped short of turning the corner when I heard Lucas and Helen talking.

  “She really doesn’t drink that much normally,” said Lucas, “but I’m sure you already know that.”

  “It certainly came as a surprise,” she replied.

  “Siobhan is getting her sobered up and she’ll be home to sleep it off soon, do you want to go with her or just stay at the party?”

  “I’m not really in a party mood, I might just head on over to the house.”

  “Do you want to wait for Jane?”

  “No, I think I just want a bit of time on my own.”

  Lucas went back inside and I took the opportunity to come out of my hiding place.

  My footing was still unsteady and I had to really concentrate on not swaying wildly as I spoke.

  “Can I explain?” I said.

  My voice made her jump but when she realised it was me in darkness, she seemed to relax.

  “What the hell was that about?” she said, “I mean, really?”

  I tried to formulate an answer but she didn’t wait for a response.

  “Can I just do a little recap of the last 12 hours? So, I kiss you and you tell me you don’t like me in that way and now you’ve decided to tell your family that we’re in a relationship
and madly in love!”

  “I don’t think I said ‘madly’.”

  “Gah! We’ve had one kiss, Jane, one! I’ve known you 24 hours and yeah, they’ve been pretty weird and great and crazy but you don’t even know what you want! On top of that, I clearly need to see some type of therapist before I even think of being in a relationship.

  “I should never have come here, I was just so happy not to have to spend Christmas alone thinking of ways to kill myself that now I’m in some sort of farcical family drama, with no money or way of getting out of here.”

  She started to pace as she spoke but her conversation turned into a monologue that I could no longer hear.

  “Are you dumping me?” I asked.

  She stopped pacing and turned to look at me.

  “We are not in a relationship; you are drunk and have made this whole thing up in your whiskey-soaked brain. I’m taking you home and you’re going to sleep this off before you mother murders you or you propose.”

  She offered me her hand but I refused to take it.

  “This is my home; I don’t need help getting anywhere and certainly not from my ex,” I replied.

  “I am not your ex, I’m not your current, I am your friend. Now, let me help you.”

  “Go help yourself, you’re the nutter around here, not me.”

  “Oh, really? Because I’m the drunken idiot who is picking a fight with someone trying to help, that doesn’t seem like a very ‘sane’ way to go.”

  I walked straight past her and headed in the direction of the farm and hoped that I was walking straighter than I felt I was.

  Several trees, that lined the driveway of the farm, seemed to have moved out of their normal position because I kept walking into them.

  When I got into the house, I felt ravenous and headed towards the kitchen and the only family member I wanted to spend time with. I opened the back door and let Ernie come in to jump up and lick me.

  “You love me, don’t you, boy?” I asked as I patted him over and over.

  “You’re such a good boy and you deserve a lovely treat for being such a good boy.”

  I pulled the tinfoil off the roast ham that was resting on the counter and searched for the carving knife.

  Ernie’s tail wagged in anticipation and I began to carve as best I could. The knife wasn’t cooperating and then I had a flash of inspiration. I stopped my dire attempt at cutting and went in search of the electric carving knife my dad bought mum a few Christmas’ ago. She hated it and said it was ‘cheating’ but also refused to throw it out.

  After some rummaging I managed to locate it, still in the box. I plugged it in and started my work once more.

  It made the whole operation a lot easier and the chunks that came off and didn’t make it onto the plate were easy rewards for Ernie to catch.

  After a few minutes I found that I had made a large dent in the side of the ham and worried that I wasn’t going to be able to disguise my handy work.

  As I stood back to take a look at it from a different angle, I heard the front door open and voices calling my name.

  They were quick to find me in the kitchen brandishing my knife. Ernie and I looked at each other guiltily and waited for our punishment.

  My mum was last to come into the room and see the carnage.

  “Jane Catherine McMahon, get up to your room right this second, I can’t even look at you,” she said, with closed eyes and a tone I knew she reserved only for the worst of offences.

  “I was just a bit hungry.”

  “Jane,” interrupted dad, “Do as your mother says; Siobhan, get Ernie out of here while I clean up this mess.”

  “It wasn’t Ernie’s fault, he was tricked into being an accomplice,” I protested.

  “I’ll take her upstairs,” offered Helen.

  “No, she dumped me, I am not going anywhere with her.”

  “So you’re not a lesbian anymore?” asked mum, “It’s hard to keep up, these days.”

  “Bigot,” I replied with a hiccup.

  Lucas came forward and led me out of the room and escorted me to my room.

  “Your hair is covered in ham,” he said when we reached the door, “You look ridiculous.”

  “That’s me, Jane the ridiculous, maybe I should get it tattooed on me somewhere.”

  He opened the door but didn’t follow me in.

  “Will you be ok to get yourself into bed? Not planning on jumping out the window and making another escape are you?”

  “Nope, I’m going to sleep, this has been the longest day of my life.”

  When he left, I sat on the end of the bed and looked around the room. Not much had changed since I left all those years ago, but it wasn’t a comfort. I remembered feeling trapped here then and I still felt the same way now.

  There was a soft knock on the door and Helen came in.

  “Are you going to let me come in?” she asked.

  I nodded and shuffled over on the bed for her to sit down.

  “Have you calmed down and realised that this was drunken lunacy?”

  “I’m still pretty wasted and I’m covered in ham but I don’t think I’m cross at you for whatever you did anymore – to be honest, I don’t really remember the party.”

  “Why don’t you put your head down on the pillow and go to sleep, I’ll see you in the morning. I think it’s best if I find a sofa to kip on.”

  “No, there’s room here; the sofa is lumpy and I promise not to make any drunken advances.”

  She looked unsure but eventually decided to lie on the pillow beside me.

  We lay side by side looking at each for a while but eventually she turned her head to face the other way.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “You kinda smell like a drunk pig, it’s not an easy aroma to sleep beside,” she confessed, “I’m going to find somewhere else to sleep and I’ll see you in the morning for another day of carnage.”

  “One more day,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, something like that,” she replied as she closed the door behind her.”

  Chapter 10

  I knew it was going to be a bad day when I felt the thump of my headache before I’d even opened my eyes.

  The pain behind my eyes was immense and all I could think of was water.

  I knew I had already slept in because I could hear my mother passive aggressively banging cupboards to make sure I would wake up.

  I opened my eyes and found that I was still dressed in my clothes from the party and my once lovely make-up was smeared across my face.

  I looked a sight.

  There was a knock on the door and Siobhan opened it without waiting.

  “The point of knocking is to wait for people to tell you to come in,” I said.

  “The point of knocking is to tell you to get up and downstairs before mum takes the cupboards off the hinges. Quick throw on those Christmas pyjamas Santa’s elves left for you and wash your face, you mess.”

  She left me to change while I hunted in my bag for make-up remover. I scraped back my hair and tried to force a smile on my face so I could try to look much fresher than I felt.

  There was a glass of water left on my bedside so I drank it in one go and geared myself up to face the music.

  My memory of the events of the night before was foggy at best, but I knew I was in trouble with pretty much everyone downstairs – with the exception of Ernie.

  Although, from the smell of ham on my skin, I may have got him in trouble too so even his loyalty was in doubt.

  I heard people in the living room but before I had the chance to take a big breath and join them, my dad opened the door and ordered me in.

  They were all gathered around the carpet in the middle of the room, swapping presents.

  I was hurt that they’d started without me, but knew I didn’t have a leg to stand on when objecting to people’s behaviour after mine, last night.

  I sat on the sofa, out of the circle and watched as my mum opened up a la
rge box.

  She looked gleeful as she pulled out an air diffuser. I wondered if she was actually happy about this gift or if she was being polite. I reminded myself that mum was never shy about displaying her displeasure should she be given a bad gift.

  One year, dad made the mistake of buying her bathroom scales and she didn’t speak to him for a week.

  “This is exactly the one I wanted,” she said to Siobhan, “Thank you so much, you little angel.”

  “It’s from me and Jane,” replied Siobhan, “It’s the big fancy one you said you’d never buy for yourself so we wanted to treat you.”

  Mum looked at me and mumbled a ‘thank you’ in my direction but didn’t look happy about having to speak to me.

  I had no idea what present ‘we’ had gotten mum. Every year I sent the money to Siobhan and she did all the shopping – including for her own present from me. I knew it was lazy, but I consoled myself with the lie that she would buy something that she really wanted instead of me buying crap she’d never use.

  “No problem, mum,” I said, “I knew you had your eye on it.”

  “Did you? I wonder how saying as I’ve never spoken about it with you? I spotted it when I was out with my good daughter.”

  I didn’t rise to the bait and instead announced that I was going to make some tea and extended the offer to those in the room.

  “Still trying to sober up are we?” she asked.

  I left the room without answering and decided to hide out in the kitchen until the presents were done with.

  “Thanks for the shaver, love,” said dad.

  He was also hiding in the kitchen until after the presents. He always did because he felt embarrassed at people watching his reaction to their gifts.

  “Thank Siobhan. She’s the good daughter that does the shopping, I’m just the embarrassment.”

  “Now, that sounds like a pity party if ever there was one,” he replied, “And on Christmas too, that’s just sad.”

  “Well, that’s me.”

  I dropped the teabag into my mug and poured the water. I wanted to be a million miles from here at the best of times but with mum as mad as she was, it made things much worse.

  “Do you ever get home-sick?” he asked.

  “Sometimes,” I admitted, “When I’m sad or lonely I think of those big hugs you and mum give and I wish that I was here to get them in person.”