Christmas and Other Things I Hate Page 9

  “I would like to bring your attention to the finished shortbread, which looks perfect and probably tastes even more amazing than yours.”

  “Stop drinking wine, it’s giving you notions about yourself,” she replied, nudging me out of the way to inspect the finished biscuits.

  She broke one of them in two, sniffed it and then popped one piece in her mouth. Siobhan and I watched her intently to see what she thought. One of the good (and bad) things about our mum was that she couldn’t hide her emotions and pretend to like something when she didn’t – even at Christmas.

  “Well?” asked Siobhan.

  “They’re grand,” she said, “Well done, girls, you haven’t surpassed your mother yet but you’ll get there.”

  She pinched my cheek and gave us strict instructions to clean up the kitchen and not touch the cooked ham.

  “We are leaving for Maureen’s soon, so make sure you both look presentable; that means you need to wash your face, Jane.

  “Also, Helen tells me she has no bag with her, how on earth did that happen?”

  I panicked and wasn’t sure what story to tell mum. I was certain that Helen wouldn’t want me announcing to my family about her earlier plans, but I was at a loss as to how I could explain her not planning for anything beyond today.

  “She doesn’t?” I replied in mock horror, “I’m so stupid, she gave me her bag to put in the boot and I must have left it behind.”

  “Don’t worry,” interrupted Siobhan, “She looks about my size and I’ve a ton of stuff she can choose from.”

  Siobhan left to search for Helen and let her find something suitable for the party.

  “Shouldn’t you be going to get ready too?” asked mum.

  “I’m just finishing this wine and then I will be; you know it won’t take me long.”

  “Maybe you could run a brush through your hair or something, I don’t need Lucas’ family thinking you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.”

  “Thanks mum,” I replied as I finished the last of the wine in my glass.

  “And brush your teeth, that stuff is making them look grey.”

  I gave her a soldier salute in lieu of a reply and left her to inspect the ham while I went in search of Siobhan and Helen.

  I could hear their voices coming from Siobhan’s room and I decided to not burst into the room and disturb them. Instead, I kept quiet and pressed my ear up to the door to see if I could hear anything they were saying.

  Their voices were muffled and I could only make out laughter. I cursed the thick wood of the doors and was about to give up when Lucas came up behind me and called my name.

  I screamed, louder than I intended and, of course, Siobhan opened the bedroom to find out what the noise was.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, “Did you just scream?”

  “I thought I saw a mouse,” I lied.

  “You did? I hate those things, Lucas, go get a shovel.”

  “What do you think I’m going to do with a shovel?” he asked.

  “Squash it, of course.”

  “That’s barbaric,” he replied.

  “There wasn’t a mouse, I was mistaken,” I interrupted as I tried to prevent an argument between the happy couple.

  “Why did you scream then?”

  “It was a spider.”

  “Are you drunk, or blind?” said Siobhan.

  “Probably both; all ok in there? Do you need anything Helen?”

  “No, Siobhan has kitted me out nicely,” she replied as she spun around in a green velvet dress.”

  “Yup, looks good,” I replied and prayed that I wasn’t blushing.

  “Good?” said Siobhan, “She looks great; Helen you can keep that if you like, it looks much better on you.

  “Jane, are you going to get ready, or are you seriously going to Maureen’s house with that flour on your face?”

  “No, I mean, yeah I’m going to go get ready now.”

  The three of them continued to look at me while I stayed exactly where I was.

  “Are you going any time soon or are you just going to stand here being weird?” asked Siobhan.

  I shook my head, vigorously, in an attempt to wake myself out of a drunken daze. Eventually Lucas took me by the shoulders and led me to the bathroom so I could have a shower and try to sober up.

  I wished I had kept a better count of the glasses of wine I had while we were baking but it made even the most simplest of tasks – like getting undressed for the shower – seem impossible.

  After I spent the best part of ten minutes struggling to get my clothes off, I decided to have a cold shower and hoped that it would fast-track my trip back to sobriety.

  All it did was make me extremely cold and forced me to get out of the shower in record time.

  The flour on my face had been replaced with the stream of mascara down my cheeks.

  I searched through mum and Siobhan’s lotions and potions and tried to find some sort of cream to clean my face but it was useless. I knew I had brought my own make-up remover with me but my head was too dizzy to go searching. I settled on water and scrubbed my skin raw to get the black off my face. When I looked in the mirror again the mascara was gone but my cheeks were red.

  So far, this makeover had not gone well.

  There was a rap at the door and I heard Helen call my name.

  I wrapped the towel tighter around me and opened the door a small crack.

  “Siobhan said not to do your make-up, she wants to do it ‘properly’,” she said, “She’s already talked me into letting her curl my hair. I hate having curls, I feel like one of those creepy porcelain dolls.”

  “Curls have come a long way from 1980’s ringlets,” I replied, “I think it would be nice.”

  “You’d like it?”

  “Does it matter? If you don’t want it, then say ‘no’.”

  She seemed to be annoyed by my answer and walked back in the direction of Siobhan’s room, leaving me at a loss as to what I said wrong.

  I ran the conversation over again in my head but was certain that I must have read her departure wrong.

  By the time I got dried and pulled on the black pleather trousers and strappy red top I had sat out for the party I was feeling more nervous about going to Maureen’s house.

  “What if Lucas tells everyone what he saw?” I thought, “I can’t handle trying to explain what’s going on to my parents before I even know what’s going on.”

  I went back into the kitchen and hoped that mum had left the ham unattended while she went to get ready. I was relieved to find the kitchen empty of everyone but dad.

  He had just poured himself a sneaky, neat whiskey and jumped when he heard the kitchen door creak open.

  “You nearly stopped my heart, don’t tell your mother,” he said with a wink, “Do you want one?”

  “Yeah, give me a small one. Good to steady the nerves.”

  He handed me the glass and I downed the lot in one gulp.

  “Genie mac, Jane, steady on.”

  “Sorry, dad, I’ll just take one more and that will be me for the night.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea, your mother will kill me if you show up at that party plootered. What do you have to be nervous about?”

  I searched my cloudy brain for a legitimate reason for my nerves but I found nothing.

  “You’re not hung up on Lucas or anything?” he asked as he handed me another, smaller, drink.

  “What?” I exclaimed, “No, nothing like that. It’s just a bit of social anxiety. I’m not one for parties.”

  “Oh, well that’s your mother’s theory out the window then.”

  “What theory?”

  “Don’t shout at me, ok?”

  “Why do people keep saying that to me? Do I have a reputation as some sort of shouty person that I’m not aware of?”

  “It’s just that your mother thinks that you’ve been less and less happy about coming home since Lucas and your sister have been toge
ther and I wouldn’t blame you, love. We all thought you’d come to your senses and come back to pick things up where you left off.”

  “You can’t be serious? Dad, we mutually ended things and he’s much better suited to Siobhan, I couldn’t be more convinced of a more perfect couple than the two of them.”

  “Then why haven’t you wanted to help with the wedding?”

  “Because it’s a year away and I’ve been busy with my job and believe it or not, not every woman gives a rat’s ass about weddings. Why don’t they just run off together and elope to Vegas? Why does it have to be fabric samples and wedding boutiques and hen party nonsense. God, she’s going to want me to organise a hen party, isn’t she? That means topless waiters and disgusting shots. Even worse: karaoke.”

  He took a few sips of his drink and seemed to digest my answer before he asked, “Then why haven’t you brought anyone new home for us to meet if you’re happy without him?”

  “Really? Are we really going to do this dance again?” I stressed, “Can I please just go on an official record with this answer so we don’t have to keep having the same conversation when I come home? For the last time: just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m unhappy or regret breaking up with Lucas. If you must know, I have dated other people they just haven’t lasted very long.”

  “Is that because you still have feelings for Lucas?”

  “For goodness sake, no! I just haven’t met anyone worth my time. I happen to value it and I don’t want to waste it on anyone or anything that doesn’t positively add to my life. I’m certainly not going to date someone just to keep you lot off my back.”

  We stood beside each other and sipped our drinks without saying another word. I was mentally gearing myself up for another ‘single and proud’ speech when I noticed that he poured us both another drink.

  “Don’t worry, Jane, you’ll find someone.”

  “And what if I don’t? What if I never get married or have kids, does that make me a failure? Is being single for the rest of my life worse than losing me to a terminal illness?”

  “Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

  “No, I think you’ll find you are; and you know what? I am seeing someone and it’s new and confusing but even if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t matter because I’m still a bloody great person with or without a partner. I just wish you’d see that.”

  I didn’t realise I was shouting or that we were no longer alone in the kitchen.

  Lucas cleared his throat to announce his presence and I turned to find him, Siobhan and Helen all standing in the kitchen.

  “How much of that did you hear?” I said.

  “Enough to know you’ve a secret boyfriend you’ve told us nothing about,” replied Siobhan with a grin.

  I drained my drink and left them in the kitchen. I marched into Siobhan’s room and turned on the hairdryer to try and drown out the sound of my inner voice berating me for my poorly-timed speech.

  I knew it wouldn’t take long for Siobhan to follow me into the bedroom, but to my surprise she sat on the bed and turned on the hair straighteners. She beckoned me over to sit between her legs on the floor so she could do my hair. As I sat there, I waited for all the questions to begin but she carried on brushing and straightening each section of hair without conversation.

  “Aren’t you going to ask me?” I asked.

  “Are you going to tell me anything?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Then what’s the point in me asking? Besides you’re getting drunker by the second so you’ll probably tell me in a little while.”

  I couldn’t deny that I was fully drunk and I knew my mum was going to be furious when she found out. Despite being an adult, I was still terrified of disappointing her.

  When Siobhan finished my hair she instructed me to sit at the dressing table and get my make-up done. I worried that if I spent too much time with my eyes closed, while she worked on my eye shadow, I would fall asleep. I kept concentrating on the sound of Siobhan’s voice as she worked and I didn’t see Helen when she walked in.

  “I really love that dress on you, Helen,” said Siobhan.

  My eyes were still closed but I felt very self-conscious with her in the room after my outburst.

  “Thanks and you’re right, curls are a nice change for the evening,” she said.

  “Do you know anything about this secret boyfriend, Helen?” asked Siobhan.

  My eyelids flashed open at the question and looked at Helen’s reaction to the question.

  She looked completely calm and said: “She keeps these things close to her chest, in fact this is the first I’m hearing about it.”

  “Jane, you haven’t even told your new friend? Does this guy really exist or where you just trying to get dad off your case?” asked Siobhan.

  “Yeah, does he?” echoed Helen.

  I didn’t know what to say or where to look.

  “Can we just get this make-up finished and head to the party before mum has a canary?”

  “Nice avoidance, replied Helen, “She does that a lot, doesn’t she?”

  Siobhan laughed in agreement. All I wanted was to get out of there as soon as possible so I could avoid any more questions. I felt mortified that Helen had heard what I said, especially as I wasn’t even sure if she wanted anything more from me other than a distraction from the holidays.

  “Are we done here?” I asked.

  “Just the lips, we’d better make them nice and kissable during this cold weather or this mystery man will be complaining.”

  “He certainly will,” agreed Helen.

  I shot her a look but she didn’t seem fazed by it and continued to obviously enjoy my discomfort.

  “There,” said Helen, “I have finished my masterpiece.”

  I stood up and inspected my face in the mirror. I had to admit I looked a lot better than I did in the bathroom, even if my eyes were red from all the alcohol.

  I couldn’t wait to make my escape from the room but before I could, my mum appeared and looked elated.

  “What’s this I hear about a new boyfriend?”

  Chapter 9

  I side-stepped past my mum and grabbed my coat from the hallway. I headed outside to stand in the cold air and wait for the pounding in my head to subside, but I worried that it wasn’t likely to go away anytime soon.

  I heard the door open behind me and I braced myself for more questions from my parents but was happy to find Helen standing there instead.

  “This is a bloody farce,” I said, “I am so sorry that I’ve dragged you here into all this.”

  She laughed and rubbed her hands together to warm them up.

  “I’m actually enjoying myself, despite you taking every excuse not to be in a room with me since we got here.”

  “Are you serious? I’m doing no such thing. I was trying to follow your advice and make up with my sister and parents because I thought it’s what you wanted me to do.”

  “I’m not one to give solid life advice, you should know that by now.”

  “This is such a mess.”

  “It’s probably the strangest first date I’ve been on,” she admitted.

  “This isn’t a date.”

  She looked hurt by my reply, which wasn’t my intention, but before I could explain my answer fully the door opened and my family appeared at the door.

  “Helen,” cried mum, “You’ll catch your death, take one of my coats and get it on you; Jerry grab the girl a jacket.”

  Dad wrapped a large black coat around her shoulders and offered mum his arm as they walked down the driveway and headed towards the party.

  “We’re walking?” asked Helen.

  “My mum’s is the next field over, we’re a tight knit bunch,” said Lucas with a laugh.

  “That’s true, not much gets past us,” continued Siobhan.

  I rolled my eyes and stumbled as I walked behind everyone and realised that being out in the fresh air was making me feel drunker by the second
.

  I stumbled and dragged my feet and hoped that my mum wouldn’t notice, but she was too busy talking to my dad and instructing him on what presents to give over to Lucas’ family when we got there.

  I tried to get Helen’s attention so I could talk to her and explain myself properly but she was caught up talking to Lucas about his family. Sometimes I felt sorry for Lucas as he tended to get overlooked when we were all together. I was glad that Helen was making the effort with him, with everyone. Despite the messy origins of this fledgling romance, I was feeling more and more sure that I wanted to pursue something with her – but not under the watchful eyes of my family.

  The logical part of my brain told me to try and sober up before I said any of this to her but the drunk part wanted to hurry up and get to the party so I could find some more Dutch courage and tell her how much she meant to me after 24 hours of knowing her.

  “This might not be my smartest idea,” I whispered to myself, but it was too late. I worried that I’d missed my chance already and she would consider me as nothing more than a friend, especially as I’d really told her I didn’t like her in that way.

  “Why did I say that?” I said.

  “Say what?” asked Siobhan.

  “What?”

  “My God, Jane, you really are drunk, mum is going to kill you and so will I if you embarrass me in front of Lucas’ parents.”

  I tried to deny the allegation but my hiccups were making it impossible.

  “When we get inside, you’re to have a coffee and nothing else. Do you hear me?” she whispered.

  I didn’t reply, there was no point; I had to concentrate on walking in a straight line into the party then finding a seat as far away from my mother as possible.

  I tried to catch Helen’s eye as we walked into the house but she was definitely avoiding me.

  Maureen cheered as she saw us and took her time giving us all a hug. When she got to Helen, she didn’t miss a beat before she gave her a hug too and then asked who she was.

  “This is Jane’s friend, Helen,” said mum, “She’s an orphan.”

  “That’s awful,” said Maureen, “And it being Christmas and all.”